Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
