apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
