im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
