last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
