i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
