I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
