I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Boobs speak an international language.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
