I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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