it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Im part way to drunk.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
