i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
