so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
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I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
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I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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