69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
