I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
so much tequila, so little girl.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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