yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
