i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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