You made me cry and you don't even care
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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