i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
