I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
