i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
