Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Let's paint friendship bongs
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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