gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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