Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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