I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
