Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
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I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
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At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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