so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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