Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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