been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
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Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
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the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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