Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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