The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
