I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
