she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
