i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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