i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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