I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
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If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
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Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
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Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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