You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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