I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
