she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
