one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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