I'm lost and stupid without you.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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