Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Can't talk, ducks in the car
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
