I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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