So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
