we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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