there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
