I only kidnapped one of them. chill
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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