I CAN MOONWALK!
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
ttyl tear gas
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
