My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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