Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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