Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
