I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
