so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
