Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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