I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
