I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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