I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
