Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?