I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?