You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
