you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
