We're facebook friends in real life
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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