I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
