His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
